Tuesday, January 31, 2017


Rubbing her dry part on a black and red lacquered baseball.

She plays so much bad jazz. I don't ask why she listens to it. A little mic attached. "Try something." I have not laid my Self out this way in a long time. I face away. Heave out a mumbling I remember from a woman w/ oiled teeth whining outside of the CVS, the red CVS sign but wearing Eckerdz blue socks, whining about wanting to feel sheep's wool, to rub her hands thru it while it is still attached to the warmth of a sheep. Desire of a pseudo primate, clutching a plastic bag fillled with Squirt. Rhythmic heaving, kind of a clattering in step, I want it to sound like that 8 year old sitting in that corner alone trying to remember the words to a song on the radio. Sometimes I bring with me a deep gravelly clicking. A uniform tone, sets of the same. I was done tonight and when I look at her a face collapsed into the panic of disgust you do not want to feel with someone, she had no choice to hate all this in me. An absurdity she can't place like that Neolithic whine outside a prefab complex. What I felt is communicated into her, inflicted, and unwelcome. She is scientific. I defer, defer, defer. I do it because her focus outweighs these antics -- I am glad she does not embrace them. I remember this feeling seeing marker on the side of his face, watching a boy drink milk and talk on YouTube, when you look at someone's face you're a few fingers deep in they open their eyes but one eyelid prying is slightly delayed it feels so bad to be a witness to it. Unlike her, I moved into all this, continually.
Her stoic goodness--some kind of a wholesome logic, there rests so little self at all.
I sit on knees in a place like that. But also, cannot mute.

Cute posturing. See oversized lips and teeth bobbing at other damp lips and teeth. A violence. A sexual aggression wrapped up in esoteric pillars. Regurgitations of stark aesthetics--an empty set of exclusive means by which to relate.  I ask does she know what I mean about this kind of sociability.
"No. I want to talk to you about geology."

I want to reconcile my sophisticated personal notions of integrity, ethics with this piss poor person and it's behavior that I, in reality, inhabit.

But I want to stay impulsive too.

I know she was always good like this.

Building muscle is so difficult how did you do it could you tell me.

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